Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Starting at the begining...

I suppose that I have been a sub for my whole life.  Looking back there have been so many things that have put me where I am today.  When I was a child I was very unruly and as much as I would not have admitted to it then, I was looking for someone to be able to handle, understand, and appreciate who I was and still am. 

Constantly looking for someone that showed me that they deserved my respect and obedience, there were plenty of people that tried to forbid me or make me obey them, however, none that showed me that I could trust them with the true me. 

First there was my very first boyfriend.  We went to church together and he had my loyal devotion for two years.  He was a preachers son and everyone knows the stories about them.  Where the sex was OK and really nothing to write home about I knew that we were young and if we stayed together for the long hall that it was bound to get better right?  There was something else missing though.  When he would try to demand my respect he never followed my disobedience with a punishment or even got upset.  To be specific when he went away to college he told me that he would be back in town on a certain day and that I "better be home and waiting for him."   With this being said I immediately called up a few of my friends and made a day out swimming and sun bathing away from everything.  No phone for him to call me, no way for him to know where I was.  Two days later he finally was able to touch base with me and I told him where and what I was doing he simply replied, "I thought we had plans."  Not upset at all, no real reaction to my insolence.  All I could think is that there was not enough feeling in him for me to give me that emotion that I longed for. 

Unfortunately, later I subjected myself to plenty of punishment by marrying the wrong man for 11 years.  Knowing within the first year that any rational woman would have ran, I stayed around.  Being humiliated, abused and neglected over and over by a person that would like to think of himself as a man.  With him I found the emotion.  The sex was better but very limited.  He was one of those guys that was intimidated by toys or anything experimental, anal was out of the question, and so was having an imagination (at least with me).  Everything with him was a battle from what I wore to who looked at me.  Where I thought that since he showed the passion in his abuse there had to be love in there for me, but sadly there was none.  Finally when my life was at risk I left. 

After all this and not having a label for who I am I spent the next five years looking at every avenue trying to find where I belonged.  Looking for a true man can be an incredibly exhausting task as any woman would tell you.  When you find one absolutely amazing quality in a guy then there is another that is just as essential that is either lacking or completely not there.  Am I not telling the truth ladies?  I am sure that the same goes for us, guys.  However, I found my niche by accident one evening while out with some new found friends when I moved down to Florida. 

The one thing that I have always had is an incredibly open mind to everything.  Wanting to experience everything life has to offer, I was presented with the opportunity to go to a fetish party sponsored by the Fetish Factory here in Fort Lauderdale.  In the past anytime I would go out there had to be an ample amount of alcohol, this evening was completely different than any one before for me.  Of course, there was a bar and plenty of willing men to buy the adult beverages for me, my mind was on overload just on the activities around me.  One in particular was the Dominant dressed as the Devil himself with an amazing toy that I later found out was a violet wand.  He had his submissive there and demonstrated on her what would happen and the way she looked at him was so incredibly intense.  The love, passion, and reverence that she showed him was what I had always wanted to feel for someone, not to mention the emotion, adoration and respect he extended to her.  My interest in them lasted the whole night.  Finally, I had another guy come up and offer me a drink and I told him that he could buy me a bottle of water to offer the Dom to put me up on the table to experience what she feels even if just for a moment.  The look he gave me during all of this finally showed me where I fit in. 

Since then I was sure that I am a submissive and need a strong Dominant man in my life.  The man that I was with at that time knew nothing about this life.  He tried to accommodate my desires but it was nothing that he enjoyed or even had an interest in.  So from that there was an end to another relationship for me.

After that relationship was over I kept striving to find that look that the Dom and sub shared that night.  To find THE man that I belonged to was not the easiest thing, so I tried to find a man that belonged to me.  Maybe it would be just as good if I could find that look if I was on the other side of the cane.  I did find several men that were looking for a woman to Dominate them.  One man wanted me over and over to play water games with him.  Well, actually all he wanted was for me to pee on him.  At this point that was not what I wanted, to tell you the truth I still do not have the desire to pee on anyone.  There was another that wanted me to treat him as a slave, to me that was too much work.  He needed me to tell him what to do every second of the day.  The intoxication of power was nice for a very short period of time but the fact that everything was so routine was almost annoying.  At that point I had given up on finding what I wanted and decided to put to rest my desires of finding that one man that I could desire with every cell of my being. 

Then came the day that my sibling actually told me about her being in the lifestyle as well.  Which was a very big surprise for me.  She had just found out and was experimenting and when she found out that I was as well had many questions.  While answering questions for her my passion for finding that perfect Dom for me quickly arose again.  She told me about a site on the internet  So I put a very short ad on there and the next day there were several replies.  The funny thing is that I could not tell you today what exactly it was about this one answer that stood out from the rest but He did.  I started talking with him instantly and when I returned home we met.

He will say that there was nothing that I said particularly that kept his attention and that I am the exact opposite from every woman that He had ever been with.  When we met at the Cheesecake Factory on Las Olas Blvd., we both were apprehensive about who or what we would meet.  Neither of us looking to see the future with the other but I will honestly say that He had something that demanded the respect in His eyes.  Our relationship started with the preconception that it would just be for fun in the moment, but with the power that I saw in His eyes I longed to see how it would manifest itself. 

This is where the story of my life as a woman and a sub truly has begun...

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